I'm Marie Allain, therapist. This is my path to Relational Intelligence®. After a Master's degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Human Resources from Sciences Po Paris, I spent 15 years in human resources. In particular, I was HR manager of a production plant for 5 years. I enjoyed some aspects of my job, but I was constantly in "hamster spinning in its wheel" mode. I had a vague feeling that something wasn't quite right.
It was the birth of my children that brought me closer to who I deeply was. When I gave birth, I had a transforming experience. I realized that the life I was leading no longer corresponded to me.. My leitmotiv was to keep alive the inner flame I had touched when my children were born.
So I set out in search of a professional activity that would be aligned with my inner self. I first encountered the IFS therapeutic approach on my path, which then led me to the Relational Intelligence® model. How did I come across IFS? By chance, while doing some research on the Internet (but was it really by chance?). When I read the presentation of the model, I fell in love instantly. Everything it said seemed obvious and right. It seemed to resonate with a deep knowledge inside me.
I was able to negotiate a "rupture conventionnelle" with my company, with the addition of a training budget dedicated to my retraining. I was then able to sign up for the IFS level 1 training course. I remember people saying to me: "What's the idea of signing up for this course? You don't know much about the trainer, the quality of the training, etc.". However, my skeptical parts didn't stand in the way of the force of attraction that was inexorably pushing me in this direction. In fact, I quickly set up my own business as a therapist following the Level 1 training.
Access to training coursesIFS training
When I trained in the IFS model, the experience was a revelation for me.
Beyond theory, training is above all practical. It's quite unique to be able to experience the therapist's posture in a small practice group, accompanied by an assistant who guarantees the process and the safety of the participants.
This training also overturned my belief that it took many years of work on oneself to reach our deepest self (called Self in IFS); that space of wisdom within us. With IFS, this is easily accessible through the process of detaching the parts, which creates enough space inside to connect to the vast within us.
It's also wonderful to understand that all parts of ourselves have a positive intention for us, even the most negative ones. Instead of trying to free ourselves from them, we welcome them as they are, and help them return to their true nature.
It's by meeting the different aspects of ourselves with kindness that we can unify and come closer to who we really are.
And what a relief to understand that part of ourselves doesn't sum up who we are. For example, I had a part of me that could feel jealous and another part of me that was very ashamed of it. IFS made me realize that this didn't make me inherently jealous. If this part was jealous, it was because it was protecting me from suffering. And once healed, it was able to change roles and regain its true nature. It was a real reconciliation with myself when I was able to access this new perspective.
I've come to understand, and above all to experience, that the essential part of a therapist's work is not mastery of a therapeutic model, however important that may be. No, the essential thing is to be in a state of Self-energy.
What's key during a therapy session is to check whether we're accompanying our patient from a therapist or rescuer part, which has an intention for the person: to heal them, save them, etc... Or from what we call in IFS our Self, our deepest self, which has no particular intention other than to be present to the other.
Training teaches us to develop this state of luminous presence, enabling our patients to bring light into their own inner world.
Finally, even if it's not intended to be therapeutic, this training has taken me to unsuspected parts of myself, despite several years of previous therapy.
After IFS, my encounter with the IR® model
My encounter with IFS had been powerful. My encounter with the IR® model was dazzling. The Relational Intelligence® model, at the crossroads of IFS and polyvagal theory (TPV), turned my therapeutic practice upside down.
IR® takes us even further down into the depths of our being, through our autonomic nervous system. This model shows how our traumas, wounds and difficulties in living our lives are first and foremost linked to our physiological state. From our physiological state, the psychological story is created. What a realization!
The IR® model, based on POS, reminds us of the extent to which we are driven by our autonomic nervous system, despite our over-powerful brains. It reveals that the gateway to our healing is our body, which has the resources to emerge from the immobility caused by trauma.
At first, I was a little reluctant to talk to my patients about the autonomic nervous system, which seemed technical to me. However, when I explain the different states of the nervous system to them, I'm always surprised at how much it resonates with them. I can see the relief in their eyes that someone finally understands them and can make sense of their experiences.
When I describe the sympathetic or dorsal world to patients with complex traumas, it's as if I'm talking to them about THEIR world.
While IFS teaches self-regulation, IR® shows us that it is sometimes essential to start with co-regulation, i.e. the relationship between patient and therapist, to create the security needed to regulate the nervous system and heal wounds.
As one of my patients so aptly summed up in the wisdom of her 20 years (who saw the evolution of my practice from IFS to IR®): "it's like moving from a dialogue with a set of parts to a relationship between human beings".. For me, the IR® model has transformed the therapist-client relationship into a human-to-human relationship, where the therapist engages with his or her head, body, heart and soul in the relationship.
With IR®, we learn to welcome our patients with love and compassion. Our Self energy becomes embodied and at the service of the relationship. We discover the profound benefits of touch, gaze, voice and movement.
I'd built myself up as an "independent person who has to fend for herself", but it was a shock to realize that I can give to others AND I can also receive from others. This is the principle of reciprocity developed in IR®. I'm no longer alone in my difficulties, and neither is the other. I'm now at my patients' side, and it's wonderful to experience this warm relationship in therapy.
Finally, with some of my patients who couldn't achieve lasting change with IFS, I was able to use IR® to help them move forward in their healing process, thanks to the relationship established between us. Attachment issues can thus be wonderfully treated with IR®.
The IR® model is a clinical practice deeply rooted in the service of life. It's not just about healing wounds. It's about feeling safe enough to love life and take the risk of living.
Access to training coursesMy practice
When I'm in my Self, centered, I can welcome the suffering of others with calm and compassion. I don't feel "burdened" by the other's suffering. On the contrary, it touches me deeply. For me, it's a gift to welcome the vulnerability of others.
And I feel a deep sense of gratitude when I see my patients transforming, finding a footing within themselves, reconciling with themselves, feeling a profound sense of calm and fulfillment in their lives.
At last, I feel surrounded by the community created through my training and supervision, who support me in my practice as a therapist.
How does it differ from other models?
The essence of IR® work concerns the therapist's presence, the work he or she must do on him- or herself in order to be in the Self and regulate the nervous system.
Unlike most other models, IR® is not just a theoretical model, but one based on experience. It puts us back in touch with what we deeply know.
This practice enables you to go beyond the mind and into the depths of your being, putting you in a state of full awareness. It works on the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual levels. It is deeply respectful of the individual. It leads our patients to reconnect with who they deeply are: so that they can live their lives in security, trust and harmony.
Access to training coursesAbout the contributor
Marie Bressollette Allain is an IFS and Relationship Intelligence therapist. She helps people become who they deeply are. She also works in the field of parenting.
You can find her latest news on www.aufirmaman.com
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